Let Me Be

I just heard Pema Chodron tell an audience of listeners that she lives with chronic pain. Her words were so very cleansing. She said, “At first there were no reference points. It was completely groundless.Pain posed a major threat and undesirable emotions came with it.”

Fascinating. I have undesirable emotions too. Ongoing for months, maybe years. I recently discovered one emotion that had been lingering around, pulling me down. How it came to be at the root of most of my suffering was not so obvious or easy to see.

My daughters used to ask me why I was napping in the afternoon. They didn’t want to hear that I awoke in pain well before sunrise or that I carried it on until I could rest. Not only was it undesirable to hear that I was in pain, it was even more undesirable if I was expected to drive them somewhere or do their laundry and plans changed. What they heard was that I would not. What was true is that I could not. That was much harder to grasp for them. I understand now looking back.

The hot breath from their father (my ex) these past months just might fill a hot air balloon sailing to the moon. Shaming me for not managing pain better and for not performing above my physical limitations is like hearing someone whose angry about clouds in the sky. I’ve been yelled at for needing to heal. Imagine that.

Undesirable emotions and misunderstandings of others placed upon the reality I am living matters not so much. I know this territory better and the complaints that entangled me before don’t touch me now. I live with physical pain, but my life has less and less suffering in it without carrying guilt that belongs not to me. The wonder of my body doing what it does daily, and how far it has come through endless sleepless nights, nudged awake to walk in the dark has been well worth the while. The irony makes me smile.

I let me be.