Time to Come Home
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been thinking about how I can add enjoyable activities to my days to help me feel more alive or more relaxed, happier and healthier overall. Life is not just about a “to do” list of tasks or activities; it’s the bigger picture. It’s about nourishing and honoring myself.
Listening to my needs is becoming more of a barometer for living my life. So things have improved. (insert a wink) Some days my body yearns for more rest, yet I drag it out there and perform what I will regardless of how little rest I have had. I spend a lot of energy trying not to dwell on lost sleep and its affects.
I stopped doing that; now I embrace it.
Just laying there, while my body is screaming, makes my body scream all the louder. I’ve learned how pain makes you move. I’ve recently learned how to gently remind myself that I need to stay physically active to relieve anxiety.
It feels like there is a bolt in my left shoulder, and every time I move my left arm the bolt screams. I tried not using my left arm for several months which imposed interesting limitations. I’ve never navigated these waters before. I’m a virgin.
Sometimes, at the end of the day, my energy level is much more than completely spent. Pain demands your energy, like a newborn infant that cannot be satisfied or sleep. Lately I’ve noticed that my body yearns for a delicious home cooked meal and intelligent conversation. My usual habit is to cook for my children and I, then Twitter or read. I just noticed that I want/need more. I spoke to Lynette last night about these interesting moments. So good for my soul.
Obviously, I’m working on listening to my wants and my needs and relinquishing the shoulds, mine and other’s too. It’s a continual process. I’m listening from the forefront of self-care, recognizing that I need replenished. And it’s not an annual thing nor a want, like a vacation. It’s a frequent need, like a thirst for water. My life coach gets what so many others can’t. I love him for riding out the waves on days I feel quite beside myself.
And for today, I remember that all I need to do is listen to me.
Something is calling me, and it’s me.
Morse Musings 
dawn, it was amazing to talk to you last night! it was good for my soul too — you get me, and i needed that.
you are an incredibly strong and vibrant person, and there is no way this is going to keep you down. one of the things i love about you is your constant openness to learning from your journey 🙂
i hope the snow was yummy 🙂
xxxx
And I did not cry once Lynette though I did feel as though I was free to … also, you heard every word I said. Refreshingly rare in this new world. XoXo x 10
Dawn,
Hello, dear one. It’s been eons since we’ve connected. I was thinking of you tonight. I went back through my 2009 posts and saw so many references to you — then, I read the comments you left me. Four years have passed and your words are more soothing and uplifting today than they were then.
Thank you for being with me during a difficult time. I’d like to start writing again. Trim up the old blog – eliminate some of my more maudlin posts. Maybe we can connect over writing and mutual understanding like we did before. 😉
I’m sorry to hear you are in pain, but I loved reading your words — so expressive and monumental.
Thinking of you –
Jen
Oh Jen, my heart skips a beat. I’m so appreciating your invitation. It’s been a ride!
I recently wrote this to loved ones in my world. May offer the best insight:
I’ve mulled over writing this for a ridiculous amount of time. In fact, I’ve written this a few times and totally lost my point. Seems when I write, I can begin with facts and veer off course deep into the land of thoughts and feelings at times. The most precious souls in my world have heard some of those thoughts that I broadcast via the Pain channel.
For those who are tuned into my station, they call in with their complaints and that is how I learn more about how difficult I am — and at times, blind. Self-absorbed. And I see how concerned they are trying to make sense of things. They are my children, and the look of disappointment on their faces is heart-breaking.
Their complaints are true and their feelings are real. So inspiring to me that I’ve reached out to others who listen and can help me sort through the puzzle and transpire the difficulty. They are expert quality listeners with degrees in psychology and other cool stuff.
There is another listener who I’ve known for years. He just happens to be a doctor and quite knowledgeable about osteopathic health. His interest in my health matters has been great. I’ve considered him an ally as I have traveled through this terrain — not only these past fourteen months ongoing, but for 15 years off and on as I struggled through moments that were brief in comparison.
God help me.
This is the first time I’ve experienced managing pain with medication and I’ve made mistakes. I know when I do.
I will do anything I can do to protect my children from seeing me in pain. I remove myself from my home and go to my car to spare their discomfort when I can’t conceal mine. I will avoid taking medication on purpose because I know that means I can’t drive my daughter or her friend to get them where they need to go. I’m learning how to respond to requests of me with, “Yes, God willing.” I rely on others to follow through where I can’t.
Jesus.