The thoughts that pass through a person’s mind, sometimes even without conscious awareness, have more far-reaching effects than most realize. Instantly and automatically, they register with each and every cell in that person’s body. What we call “the stress response;” the body’s response to an anxious or fearful thought.
-From the book, The Power of Intention by G. Ross Lawford Ph D
Thank goodness the chapter of October has closed. It was a little too spooky for me, especially at the end with news of the impending foreclosure, living in an unsafe to occupy building and stuff like that.
I am realizing again, for the thousandth time, that not all decisions and choices are in my hands. Accepting which ones are, this helps a lot. I’ve been watching my neighbors friends move out all weekend long, day and night around the clock. They added to my feeling of safety while I lived here. I hope they appreciate that extra hour of sleep today. Drug dealers might move into their old apartments and give a security door key to their guests … guests who like to rob nice folks that used to live here. (Insight to experiences I’ve had .. my physiology and the thoughts that think me from time to time.)
I discovered something last week; being in a state of high alert can steal your sleep and quickly make you dysfunctional. I think electrical fire hazards in my apartment building have engaged cellular memory of a house fire we survived eight years ago. My brain thinks I am in danger and won’t let me sleep. Though I have made progress going from no sleep to nocturnal these past few nights.
This circumstance has helped me decide that I need to move. The fifty pound fire extinguisher I bought hasn’t added a whole lot to my feeling of being safe. Some think I need medicated, others offer to lend a truck or point me in the direction of an apartment for rent that accepts pets — they have helped the most. I’m choosing who I speak to very carefully these days.
I did have a ten hour night of sleep Friday night at a hotel across town. My daughters father rented a hotel room so he could come and protect us escort us through trick-or-treat night. Not only did I get some sleep, I was told that I was sleep talking and spoke something clearly from la la land: “I’ve got it, everything is going to be okay.” Funny that I’ve been showing up in my dreams this year; interacting with myself as a friend, as a doctor, as a baby, and as a driver. If you want to think that is insane or crazy, it’s your choice. I don’t believe what some people say.
Anyway, I’ve been stressed out over things I don’t have a choice in; I don’t have the choice of who my neighbors are, I don’t have a choice in the price of food, I don’t have the choice to move far away for a contract I want to accept, I don’t have a choice in how others value their decisions or how they behave … I don’t have a choice in matters not in my hands.
If I think I do I get all stressed out and constipated. Life changing mid-flight weighs heavier on me than others who fret over what choice of shampoo to buy. I accept that some just can’t venture a leap to the objectives and considerations I have to make or even what it’s like to feel unsafe. Funny how it reminds me how rare it is to meet minds with some people in this life who value other ’stuff.
Accepting that my body chooses to go from ‘no sleep’ to ‘nocturnal’ may be magically tied into what I wished for on my birthday … more humor. I really need to be more specific with my wishes I think.
November 2, 2009 at 9:35 am
I don’t know what to say except…CRAP! No moving far away, huh? I’m sorry to hear that. That sounded like a great opportunity at the exactly right time.
It’s so true that it’s the freaking out over the things we can’t control that clog us up and hinder us in making decisions about the things we can.
I’m happy to hear you are sleeping better and communicating with yourself while doing so. That’s pretty amazing. I never remember my dreams.
Have you decided what you are going to do?
I’m thinking of you!
November 2, 2009 at 9:47 am
I just asked the Banker a few questions via email. I wait for a one on one visit soon. I want to know how can he can assure me I am safe. Also, I want to know how he will prevent drug dealers or prostitutes from moving into this building.
I want to know what I can count on. This happens in all sorts of relationships I think.
Thanks for thinking of me
You are ramping up the happiness factor BIG.
November 2, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Always be careful what you wish for! Hope you find safety and security!
November 2, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Yes Mark, being careful of what I wish for and the thoughts that I think. These are BIG!
Funny thing happened at the grocery store when the guy sacking my groceries overheard me talking to the cashier about this whole matter. He said, “Gee, where do you live?” I told him, “I live in the Ghetto.” I saw a lightbulb go off in his nodding head … confirmation of what he thought was true. He doesn’t know I was just entertaining myself.
If I take things too serious, nothing will be funny. Thanks for your good wishes
November 2, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I used to handle foreclosures for a mortgage company but never commercial buildings. I would imagine that they would screen tenants carefully. They don’t want conditions in the building to get any worse than you do. Hope the banker has some good things to say.
November 2, 2009 at 7:45 pm
The suit from the City was given a continuance today, this is BIG news. I’ve been told words I want to hear about things that would be done in these last few weeks, waiting for the action. Also, I’m not patient either.
November 2, 2009 at 9:10 pm
i am so sorry you have been having such a difficult month, and you must be so upset about moving (again). but think — you will get a whole new palette of rooms to paint. and it may lead you to meeting new people who will change your life in ways unknown that you might otherwise never have met. take it from a fellow traveler
it takes a while for the stress response to kick back down — all those signaling molecules in the brain priming us to fight or fly. primal biology at its best — amazing how little sleep one needs at times of great stress. it is the exhaustion that follows that can be hard to handle.
i am thinking of you, dawn, you and your girls. i hope you find a safe and calm harbor soon.
November 2, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Thank you for understanding the biological mind blow Lynette. I want to leave for Canada … for a valuable contract I said no to three years ago. It’s open for grabs now. I might have new rooms to paint in a home that I could own. But no, ex can’t agree that his daughters and I would do better in life there. I already said “YES!” to the gig … now I stay here and fight to keep ___________ ?
Help me fill in the blank. Here’s what I have so far. My daughters do well in their schools and have friends they are attached too, my grown sons that live here and that is GREAT, my sister and her children live a short drive away, there are four tenants left I consider friends … these things are BIG.
Growth and opportunity are BIG too. My attorney says I need an agreement with the ex. The guy who won’t agree. And she said, “Good luck with that.”
November 3, 2009 at 6:37 am
the blessings around you ARE big, and are intangible, unlike career opportunities, and not often attainable. your girls seem to be doing so well, you have your boys near by, you are so happy your sister is close by… i know that you have moved your kids before and know they will adapt, but as one who moved often as a child, i can say that at a point, i did reach overload, and wished that either it would stop or i would die. i have realized that this is my own baggage that influences my own ability to choose now — i hide in “security” and home. right? i recently made my own decision to stay in this creepy little town where i just don’t fit because this is my children’s HOME. my professional and personal world would open wide if i had chosen to move…. it was a mother’s choice, and me being the mother i am, could not put the woman first. but that is me.
i think you do need to try for an agreement with your ex — co-parents make these plans regularly. and if it can’t be done — live in the here and now, and more opportunities will open up when your girls are older, i promise you….
i am reminded of your dream about the [blank].
November 3, 2009 at 7:03 am
i just re-read my comment, and did not at all mean to imply that choosing to move would be putting the woman first, nor did i mean anything to imply that such a decision would not be right for you and your family. i was only speaking to my own situation
i wanted to clarify, and just say i was giving my own perspective based on my own experience.
you have a challenging set of circumstances to navigate. but, dawn, i have faith in you.
November 3, 2009 at 9:11 am
Thank you for sharing your perspective. We only have our individual experiences to share and try to make sense of. It means a lot hearing you have faith in me, I’m reminded my children do too. I am the means of how they do well. Home is where I am, where I am best able to provide for my needs and theirs too.
I’ve barely stepped into an education I wish to pursue, I didn’t have a high school diploma until recently. In June 2008 I moved back to the city where I had built a reputation and a design business over my adult life. I have only worked for myself as I’ve raised children for 24 years. So I left this city twelve years ago, to follow and support a husband in his medical education and career path. I raised young children during this time, we lived on very little income at all. I left the marriage five years after he began generating an income. Loads of debt no assets. I took my share of debt and paid for my own divorce. Maybe this is a good place to share that my work, my portfolio was lost in a house fire. As of one year ago I began starting over where I left off … with my name that was different before I got married. (that’s a mind blow in itself.)
The Universe may be taunting me to choose between a career or pursuing an education right now. Where I live, the campus of a great University, it holds the best avenue for pursuing an education. My work pays down debt, and I don’t have very far to go. It’s been my intention to live like a student and raise children. The support I get is enough for the basic essentials once I get beyond the debt.
In the meanwhile, I do not like being subject to life as a renter. I’m a little pissed that a great opportunity to provide a more stable life for me and my children rests with working towards an agreement with a man who won’t agree on anything other than what he wants. A man that has failed so significantly to recognize he has done more harm than good in our lives.
I secretly think he should fire us from the job he gave us to live up to for him. He doesn’t know how he’s employed us to make him feel good about anything in his life. And THAT, that is the real reason why we’re not moving to Canada.
November 3, 2009 at 9:33 am
Wow, I never really realized that it’s only been 1 year for you. How far you’ve come is even more amazing to me after that mind blow.
We are a group of resourceful and intelligent women. We can come up with some ideas here. Although, I’m with you, it makes my blood boil that you are banned from Canada, not because he’s a loving father and doesn’t want his children that far away from him, but because he is and always will think only of his image first.
Canada: We all know how narcissists think. Is there some way to spin it so that it seems beneficial to him and his image?
If not: Is there a way to talk the company in Canada into you doing your job for them from home with some occassional trips into the office?
Or: Can the divorce decree be amended now that he is making even more money, providing you with additional income?
Just brainstorming….
November 3, 2009 at 9:40 am
big decisions to make….new chapters…new characters…new plot…i get you sister! so many things to consider with no idea of the outcomes. it can definitely be stressful! i’ve had many conversations in my dreams about our own situation and i think without that outworking of stress that things might have even been tougher. those dreams and the punching bag have been a big help!
i trust you will make good decisions. you have good hearing and good sight and i mean that in a totally existential/spiritual way. find a good quiet place, rest and listen.
can’t wait to see what your next chapter is like!
November 3, 2009 at 9:53 am
Did I mention I have 400 distant relatives living in Canada? They are farmers I have never met from my mother’s side of Scandinavian blood. But this is so way beside the point. Yet, it is BIG on my mind.
Yes, he is a loving father as best he knows how. Let’s not overlook his positive points and leave hope for him growing before his daughters figure out he’s a dead weight.
Did I tell you I am a compassionate person? I am.
My son Joe is eager to fly. He thinks this Canada thing is the perfect adventure. We can figure out how to make visits with family happen. Joe is seventeen and sees the possibilities. Mia is nine, wants to ride her bicycle freely down the street. And Bailey, my twelve year old, she began learning French last year.
We were waiting for this to happen. I must find a way if I can by January 18th.
Looks like the courts are backlogged. I don’t want to lose sleep over that?!
The company owns rights to waterways … Iceland, North America, etc. I tried like crazy to work out a freelance gig three years ago. They just need a communications director at their headquarters. A team player.
Oh Cyndi, the way you think!
November 3, 2009 at 12:01 pm
here in MA, there has to be significant evidence that a job opportunity in another state is the ONLY option to move children out of state away from one of their parents — the courts will always side with the situation that allows children to have easy physical access to both parents. it does seem that your ex tries in his way to be a good father (even if he was crappy in other ways) — he is available and spends time with them and takes them on vacations, all things that MANY divorced dads just don’t bother to do….
i agree with cyndi that there might be some way to communicate with the company, and arrange at least for a while to work from home, and travel up there when the girls are with their dad?
child custody and support modifications, as you know, are not considered a trivial matter, and you have every right to bring this forward to the courts. perhaps if you filed for modifications, you could use that as a reason why you would need the above working situation for a while?
i am sure you will find a solution both for the short-term and for the long-term. i know it must seem so hard when it feels like your options are limited. but you have options and choices — it may just take a little time to sort through and figure it out.
November 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Thank goodness for you Lynette, what’s travels through my mind has made it’s way into yours. God, I hope you get some sleep
November 4, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Oh, Dawn. How frustrating all this must be for you. I would say that it is selfish of your ex just so visitation will be easier for him, although I can understand wanting to be near one’s children. These are drastic circumstances!
Keep learning how to use that gun, Dawn. If the drug dealers start moving in, you may need to use it for protection.
November 6, 2009 at 5:27 am
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