Men and Monogamy

“The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as we continue to live.”
- Mortimer Adler

My friend Little Ed answers the phone and says, “Father Ed speaking.” He knows it’s me and I always respond with a “Hello Darling.” He can sense a sigh in my voice, he can tell if an idea has my neurons on fire, and he can easily clue in on a tone that says something more serious is going on. Six years ago, he’s stayed on the phone while I was throwing up for an hour. And I only mention this to let you know this man can handle radical stuff really well.

I can talk about anything with this eighty year old man, he’s courageous that way, he’s one of a few men that I turn to when I want to know more about the male point of view. He’s willing to spar with thoughts for hours. I adore his views, he says what he thinks. In fourteen years I’ve only hung up on him twice. He’s the reason why I believe men really do have the capacity for honesty in communication.

And I invited him to a conversation about monogamy the other day. He remarked that monogamy is like marriage without the marriage and added that there are problems that arise when people look at other people as possessions. I sensed monogamy was a negative word in his tone. I related to the first part of what he said by pointing out that an agreement between two adults who want the same thing is not the same as creating a future together. As for the problems created by couples viewing one another as possessions, I couldn’t have agreed more, it has little relevance on the subject of monogamy too me.

I want a mutually satisfying relationship with my man, there are physical aspects of intensity I enjoy, if withdrawals from the sperm bank are made without me, everything is less satisfying, vitality is a BIG factor. I want my lover pining for more of me, I like a BIG energy level of mutual desire. I find joy in the sexual energy in relationships, and if that energy is missing it diminishes everything else. (so I recently learned again)

And I said that for me, maybe monogamy has more to do with joy and protecting what I value. I don’t want to be worried about the risk of disease, I don’t enjoy oral sex with condoms — if I was not in an agreement with another about monogamy, oral sex would not be on the menu … I told little Ed, “Neither do I lick wrappers on candy bars,” to bring home my point. And I couldn’t help but confess I had been less than responsible in these matters that may have put my health at risk. I said it with a mad tone — not mad at him, not mad at the cheater pants … I was mad at me for betraying myself.

Little Ed says it’s interesting how I always end up kicking my own ass.