Intuitive Hits

I have a whisker that grows out of my chin. This solo strand has been with me for years and my kids tell me when it’s grown too long. It’s one of those things that only those who really know me can see, otherwise it goes unnoticed. A few weeks ago when I experienced back pain, my eight year old daughter Mia asked me if I felt like crying, she read pain on my face. To strangers in public I may have appeared severely constipated. To friends who barely know me, they may have wondered why I didn’t sit still through a movie. Had I experienced this same back pain in my last marriage, with my ex-husband, I more than likely would have appeared angry or upset, and I may have been subject to incessant complaints about laundry not being done and the bare fridge.

If you relate to the last part of all that, I wrote this post for you. To help you trust those intuitive hits you’re in an unhealthy marriage.

Chances are good you’re reading this post because a search engine brought you here. It happens a lot. There’s a world of women looking for answers, looking for clues on what to do next, asking questions to help them figure out how to resolve despairing marriage and relationships problems. Consider this: It may not be your marriage so much, it may be the symptoms of the one you’re with. The chaotic conditions they create are rarely solvable. Logic you try to employ won’t work. I’ve been there too. I wanted to keep my family together.

How do you know that it is truly unhealthy and won’t evolve? Are you married or in a serious relationship that leaves you perplexed? Are you frustrated with efforts to carry on an honest discussion, is your ability to make agreements continually thwarted? Like, he never heard what was said. You might be under the spell of Narcissistic charms … how can you tell? Consider a few clues I discovered from my own experience:

Do they say something hurtful and call it a joke?

Do they say you’re too sensitive?

Do you feel invisible in the presence of the one who professes to love you?

Does your man say one thing and do another, are they incongruent with what they say and do?

If you arrange your calendar without them do they become angry and resentful?

Do they walk beside you in public or keep their distance?

Do they answer your cell phone, check your email correspondence or rummage through your car?

Do they willingly offer to help with anything?

Do they invite you to do anything with them or ask your opinion?

Within the last week did they invite a conversation or initiate sex?

Do they withhold affection? Can you remember last time they gave you a you an orgasm?

If you don’t take their suggestion or advice do they appear sullen?

If you ask them why they love you can they give you an answer?

Have they left with your children for days just to scare you? Have your pets come up missing?

Do they find fault and complain when things don’t go their way?

Are they financially, verbally or physically abusive?

Are you exhausted most of the time, on the verge of lethargic?

Can’t understand why you’re so weepy?

It’s natural to get overwhelmed in an emotional whirlpool … a disorienting place you’ve found yourself in. Let go of notion they’ll see correctly one day, a skewed sense of reality means they’re unable, they don’t question their thoughts nor view you as a person … you are a role. You are human with five senses, a mind and a spirit and they can’t embrace these things about you. They want you to make their life full and happy, that’s why you exist in their mind. It’s not a mutual dance between two human beings.

My ex once said, “You make me want to be a better person.” And I gave him a glance of sheer delight and said it was the most meaningful sentiment I’d ever heard. My heart swelled. And this sweet moment lasted one minute, up until he said that he heard that line in a movie and walked away chuckling to himself. And that’s what a sick person does, and you must keep your mind aware of that fact. What they say and do, it has nothing to do with you. If you thought it did, you’d receive the devastating blow they intended.

“Direct your thoughts, control your emotions and ordain your destiny!”

-Napoleon Hill

You can’t raise children in this atmosphere if you’re becoming unglued with attacks on your mind, body or spirit. They work to undo all of your efforts as a mother. Put your focus back on what is important to you, wake up asking yourself what you need today, keep what they say from defining you … see clearly the facts. You’ll soon find a way to dissipate negative emotions and let go of fears that keep you in turmoil. I learned this in the trenches … to see things as they are. It allowed me to remove the emotional component that caused suffering. I could respond more truly to this person and these events. It became my ‘practice.’

Judith Orloff MD, author of Emotional Freedom, has must see videos for those dealing with a Narcissist in their life. And for those lovely ladies who are headed to matrimony or currently dating — find how to spot an emotional vampire before your emotions are involved: http://www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd

And remember this: you’re not alone, you’re not the only one who experiences these things. Don’t allow shame or humiliation keep you from going through this on your own. Reach out to those who understand the angst and can listen, not everyone can. One of my favorite mother bloggers can, and she makes sense of things great in layman’s terms, follow this link to unravel more clues: http://somuchmorethanamom.com/narcissists/ You’ll feel at home on her blog!

It’s Father’s Day in America today, and I really get inspired about women and children on Father’s Day. Why? Because now, more than any other time in history, women are being called to embrace the values that benefit an evolving of the next generation — of the human race. Raising our sons and daughters in a healthy environment is always the right thing to do. There are 11 million single mothers in America and I think we see things the same:

“If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.”

-Pearl S. Buck

My life, and the whisker in the sink, it’s mine.