My priorities in a given day can change midflight, I’m a mother of four. Sometimes things come up that require a great deal more of my time and attention than I had planned on, sometimes it means going without sleep so that I can tend to everything that needs to be done. When my children include me in on things that happen in their world that bother them, it sometimes causes the earths axis to shift. I feel the weight and presume the rest of the world must too. My attention was recently brought to a matter that has affected my twelve year old daughter deeply and our greater community. It caused me to write a letter to the Walgreens Corporation. It caused me to notify the principal of her school. I have no idea where this whole series of events is taking us. It is the news that is happening in our lives at this moment and it’s causes me to ponder a lot of things that happen in the world of our children.
I want to share a letter I wrote to the Walgreens Corporation. I think it gives insight to a problem that our children need us to resolve as adults.
It’s been thirteen months since I saw this video of Alaina. A few months prior to that I felt a deep connection with her and those who follow her blog. It took my breath away when she created this video. It came closest to meeting my heart as a single parent all of these years. She has inspired me to remember that we share broken dreams, and dreams that are worthy of being pursued. And today, with my daughter home sick, I remembered how true it is that none of us do great things alone.
Here’s one of the drawings that my nine year old daughter created lately. I asked her to tell me what the name of this drawing was. She says, “The Maid.” I said, “What is the story of all of these people here?” And she said, “The Maid likes the man, the man likes the other girl.” I paused and said, “I wonder why the man likes the other girl more than the one he was standing next to that likes him?” She said, “Some things don’t make sense to me either, I think the other girl has really poor taste in shoes.”
I can be annoying to be around sometimes. I can’t pretend that I don’t feel something I do.
People love to be around you while you’re all happy I’ve noticed, and scatter away when you are sad. People love to share in the joy of your joy and rarely want to be there to feel the weight of your sad or help you process it. The weight of sad can cause discomfort in others. I like to give space for people when they feel sad, I know I can’t fix sad … sad can’t be fixed. Also, when people try to fix your sad or try to make you feel better it can imply something is broken or wrong. There is nothing wrong with being sad. It’s just a feeling that is telling you something. Life is a BIG puzzle that can be navigated by your feelings. Dare I say maze?
I had a little sad over the past few weeks that has to do with my daughters spending time with their dad and I all together this past month or so. Here’s an eye view of this single situation that has a lot of history — it feels like I walk around in circles over the same thing happening time and again. History that has me feeling sad. Dare I say angry?
Mia’s dad has stayed in her bedroom on visits. While here, he walks on her area rug and leaves foot prints from his dirty shoes. She tells him very directly that she does not like him walking on her rug because it leaves stains.
Last time he was here, Mia warned him not to walk on her rug. A few minutes later she finds him standing on her rug. She tells him she does not want him standing there on his rug. He does not acknowledge that she said anything, and takes a few more steps on her rug.
I ask him if he heard Mia. I ask him to step off the rug. He replied that he did hear her. And Mia jumped on her rug and demonstrated to him what it would look like if he really did hear her.
And sometimes when we chose not to hear people or respect what they have to say it can say something more to us. It can say they don’t care enough to hear what I have to say. It says, “I don’t care.” And to some, it says “You are not worthy of my love.” But that, it’s an entirely different post that has more to do with me and outdated beliefs I don’t subscribe too anymore.
And feeling like your dad doesn’t care what you have to say, what you think, what you feel … it makes you sad.
Mia’s dad lives in a different world, he feels that he’s entitled to do what he pleases. (my take from years in marriage) In Mia’s world, she does not want her dad to come back for a visit if he’s going to stain her rug up so bad. I hear what she says.
This whole idea of creating more family time with my daughters to be with their dad in our apartment, participating in our lives … it has back fired.
I may never understand why others are unable to hear. It’s not my job. Telling my ex that his behaviors change things for him is all I can do.
What I realized through all of this is that I can’t provide family time for all of us when the time spent together does not feel good for some of us. Now here’s something I can fix, my own sadness for something I need to accept.
This whole post reminds me of being a rug. Also … life is better now that I found me.
There’s a song that has been stuck in my head for three days now. I tried posting the youtube video here yesterday but found it was not allowed to be imbedded. I put the post back into draft after it had been published for all of two minutes. Now my stats show me that this draft post has been viewed by a person living in Coralville, Iowa twice. For the past ten minutes I wondered if it might be my ex who lives there. How can I know who the mystical lurker is? And, what does it matter.
I did find another Norah Jones song to replace the youtube video I wanted to share yesterday. This one, it is in honor of my friends who make my life feel better. No sexual puns intended.
“Money alone does not lift burdens … the world is in need of time, and if we have but one hour to spare, we are wealthy. It takes time to listen and to comfort, it takes time to teach and to encourage, and it takes time to feed and to clothe. We all have the gift to lift each other’s burdens and to make a difference in somebody’s life.”
-Hans B. Ringger
It’s the height of divorce filing season right now. People who say that divorce is the easy way out probably haven’t been divorced. If you are going though a divorce, you’re bound to learn that the people who say things like that are the ones you want to guide yourself away from. And I have learned that when you do your best to reconcile a divorce, it doesn’t prevent pain but it does prevent remorse.
The concept of a “no-fault” divorce is recognized in 48 states and it means different things to many people. To lawyers it means that if one of you wants a divorce, you’re going to be divorced, no matter how long it takes. Thank God for some changes in the law that keep some people from contesting your decision to be set free from a hot mess. No fault is an oxymoron of sorts. In the end, your family and friends will fault you for not making your marriage work. Just know this: it’s a rare individual that has the clarity to ask you why your marriage was worth keeping. If you are lucky to have a friend who can see that clearly, keep that friend around. It’s highly likely that they understand the meaning of the quote I included with this post. If you don’t have a friend like that, hire a therapist.
It’s important for those going through a divorce to know this: remaining silent is an option worthy of your consideration. Unless other people you know have traveled this path, it’s best you not say anything because they won’t understand you, no matter how many times you describe the circumstances that lead up to this decision. A healthy relationship takes two people who want the same thing. You believing in your decision to divorce or remain married will serve you and your kids best. Approve of yourself.
And although these facts may seem controversial to include, they may set you free from a few years of internal grief about a really good decision. A few truths I have learned that are related to love:
1. One in 25 people has no guilt about lying and deceiving.
2. One in 25 people has no guilt in being physically or emotionally abusive.
3. One in 25 people has no guilt about keeping the family in fear because of unpredictable mood swings or an addiction to alcohol or drugs.
4. One in 25 people has no guilt about exposing their partner to a sexually transmitted disease.
5. One in 25 people has no guilt about gambling away the family’s financial resources.
6. One in 25 people has no guilt about depleting the other person’s retirement account for their own personal gain.
7. The truth about love is, without proper guilt or ownership, there will be no change.
8. Another truth is that love is not enough if it is one-sided. A commitment to marriage has to include a commitment to being a decent human being to live with.
And extra important, if you have the feeling your soon-to-be ex can not hear anything you have to say. Ask yourself if you can truly be angry with someone who is mentally ill. Would you be mad at a blind person who could not see? I hope that gives you lots of assurance as you go on to live a full and happy life in what you choose for yourself.
The power outages have made life different for the past twenty four hours. The intermittent periods of no electricity have been enjoyable in part; the weather has halted my work, studies and social life to a major degree, yet the chance to enjoy a candlelight dinner last night has been a welcome diversion. I have a gas stove and feel especially happy about this right now. We won’t be without good food as we weather this storm.
Last night we shared a feeling of deep gratitude for a wind up radio, candles, and good food. We read books by candlelight and listened to music. The atmosphere around here was filled with anticipation, the sound of the wind, rain on the windows and hearing tree branches breaking off all added to a feeling of calm. The realization that we were safe and warm amidst the storm happened moment to moment.
And this morning the electricity is on, though blinking from time to time, it reminds me that I have an alternate source to power my computer that I almost forgot about; a solar panel that collects energy from the sun. I’ve had it for three years and not needed it. Have you ever gathered things you don’t need at the moment out of some strange compulsion?
This purchase was that kind … the spend that I could not justify in my mind just made sense today.
It’s a fun game I play with my kids just to liven things up. If you’ve not played it before it’s a simple kind of game where “Yes” means “No.”
Sometimes I play this all on my own, like when I need to remain mindfully disengaged when people say or do mean things. You might like to try it the next time a driver brushes by your car at excessive speeds and then flips you off. If you respond the opposite way you’ll view the whole matter with an appreciative heart and see “The bird” as a gesture of love.
And speaking of love, I’m experiencing some right now. It rained ice all night and it’s raining ice right now. This means my kids have the day off of school, it means we can spend some time organizing our apartment with new stuff from Ikea … it means more icicles for all of us. News of the weather meant I could start my day in an opposite kind of way. I began reading my new book, The Shack, today. Gave me a smile that the book opened with the main character experiencing an ice storm, and I love the paragraph in the first chapter that describes how truly marvelous it is when others experience the same thing and how something like bad weather unites us … people just automatically understand why your schedule turned upside down.
The people of Haiti are lucky they have each other for this very same reason I think.
First you should know it humbles me, this moment that happened last night.
My daughters father called yesterday. He asked me what I was doing Friday afternoon. Weather variables dance around in my mind, I pause, then I say I can’t really say what I will be doing on Friday, my operating instructions for that day or any other have not come yet I say. He has a weekend visit with his daughters coming up.
He goes on to say something about having Martin Luther King Jr day off … he’s not working on Monday. I shared that our daughters are not in school that day either. He suggests a trip up to Minneapolis, there is an IKEA store there and it’s filled with stuff that may glorify our new apartment. My thoughts travel to towel racks immediately and then go to the question of who will take care of the pets. I tell him that I’ll ask my son Ben if he can stay here for the weekend and it might be nice to go up to Minneapolis over the weekend. (separate hotel rooms of course)
So I shared this idea with my daughters. Mind blowing what happens when I suggest the idea. They both look at me like I have grown antlers on my head and say, “You know, dad says a lot of bad things about you mom.” And I stand there, listening to each of them spew off what they have heard him say. Ugly stuff that I have purposefully already forgotten. Also, I’ve heard most of this stuff already and don’t need to hear it again through the mouths of my daughters.
I couldn’t help but call him back and let him know this experience I had. I asked him how he wanted to be remembered in the eyes of his daughters. And he said this, “Those things that I said were from years ago.”
My daughters certainly would not reveal these things to me if they weren’t trying to protect me. I think they question the intentions of the both of us spending any time together as a family. I assure my daughters there is nothing more to make of anything here, understanding my own intentions is everything, right?! I’m encouraged to have this time this weekend so that he can hear what our daughters have to say.
What more can I do?
My daughters and I have had several days together since winter break began — last year. School resumed one week ago today, and wouldn’t you know it, the arctic weather gifted us with two days off of school. This kind of happening can some times cause stress in a single parents life. The layout of our new apartment puts me in the center of everything. I’m half tempted to give you a video tour of our place so you can see what I mean when I say, “There is no where to hide.” It’s not that I need to hide, but I do need time to get things done … I do need time for myself.
Their first snow day off of school I caught myself fretting over deadlines instead of embracing the fact that we had more time together. Asking my kids to go off to their rooms lead to them looking at me as though I had just committed the worst crime. As it turned out, this quiet time on their own lead to inspirations of a cosmic kind. They presented me with a menu from the Star Cafe, a menu that offered most of my favorite things. I wasn’t the waitress, the cook or the dishwasher … I was the customer. The customer who had enough Monopoly money to order anything and everything I wanted. Truly, I felt like royalty for these hours of fun and I totally forgot what I was so stressed out about. I felt like I was ten again.
It’s moments like these when I surrender to “what is” — that is where joy can be found. The old adage, “Time equals money” … it’s not entirely true. Time well spent is everything. I’ll sleep when I’m fifty. (Mantra of the week)
